The Celebrity Hot Box

(Ed. Note: Please join us in giving a smug Brahsome.com welcome to our newest contributer, Boxy Brown. We brought Boxy in to dispense invaluable opinions on all things celebrity-related and to class up the proverbial joint. Well, that and she promised us all handjobs. She’ll be flaunting her box (of celebrity information) in the form of a mini-feed and various rants every Thursday. Enjoy her words after the jump.)

Mini Feed for the Week –24 actress Kim Raver, a.k.a. Audrey Raines, is pregnant. The only thing we thought Jack couldn’t do – get a woman pregnant while she’s in a coma. I guess you’d probably have to be half dead to handle his package but I’m still amazed he found time to put a bun in Audrey’s oven instead of either using the bathroom or bothering to actually eat…Katie Holmes is threatening to take legal action over the teenage porn star that changed her name to Katee Holmes and is going to lose her virginity on-screen. Sorry, Katie, but if you hadn’t played the innocent girl on Dawson’s Creek when we all knew you were banging Dawson and Pacey, this wouldn’t have happened. Karma’s a bitch, huh?…Paula Abdul broke her nose over the weekend after “tripping over her pet Chihuahua”. Are you even kidding me?…Angelina is taking a year off of acting to spend time with her family and any other families she decides to break up this year…Jessica Alba said her looks can be deceiving and she is really “super goofy”. Can I just say that makes me so mad I literally cannot type fast enough. You’re not super goofy, you effing trig. You’re a walking porn movie—somehow without being trashy though!!—so please stop making me feel worse about myself than I already do, and just admit that if you could, you would totally F yourself because that’s how hot you are. If I were you at least I would have the guts to admit I stare at my own box every night with a compact mirror and perform regular breast exams, not because I’m concerned but because my breasts are that effing spectacular. Have some respect for yourself and the rest of us, and just be honest Ms. Alba. Please.What I really want to touch on this week though, is two shows that are truly a huge part of all our lives – Dancing with the Stars: the final dance, and The Bachelor.

Well, on the first count, Apolo Anton Ohno won. Needless to say the sky is the limit for him now. Just when you thought a male figure skater couldn’t become more of a homosexual, the world hands us a prewrapped package like this. Some people are actually quoted saying “Oh-no Zone”. I wish I even had the strength to comment on that. Dancing just confirms people like Joey Fatone, Laila Ali and Billy Ray Cyrus should have never been a part of Americans’ lives in the first place, since this show provides the perfect venue for a last stale bit of hope for these complete no names to try and hog the spotlight. Once they are booted off, the crew of Deee-Lite (don’t even act like you don’t remember “Groove is in the Heart”) is there to counsel them and remind them of their crimes against humanity in general. Please just bite the bullet and realize that you wasted your time, life and money on trying to become something that just simply isn’t going to work out for you. I’m sorry but none of us care and our hearts go out to you that this last chance didn’t work. At least you made a real ass out of yourself trying though.

As for The Bachelor, the decision was made. Andy chose Tessa and booted Bevin, but they are saying no rush to marry. Oh really, no sh*t. Here’s a hint, Andy, you smug s-o-b: you’re never going to get married, mainly because you don’t even know this broad. They will awkwardly hang out for a month or two until one of them realizes how badly the other sucks and just what a terrible idea this was in the first place. I’ll bet anyone reading this that one of the two will gain 40 pounds and be on “Celebrity Fit Club” in ‘09. The moral to this story though is something I wanted to share with my 12-16 year old audience. If you act like a whore on the first date like our good friend Bev, you will not be chosen to offer the covenant final rose because he has no reason to see your stank snatch for a second time. Thanks ABC!