So we’re confident that most of our readers made a point of getting back from the beach in time for the Miss Universe pageant last night. But, for the few that either didn’t make it back in time or fell asleep on the couch as soon as you got home, shame on you as this is one of those rare moments when you get to see Mario Lopez live. Anywho, here’s a ‘full’ recap…
So, the 58th annual Miss Universe. Pretty effin big-time. We’re not really into pageantry, as there are like 40 hot-ass bitches on Deal or No Deal who we don’t have to listen to speak or dance or anything stupid- just stand there and look hot (on a somewhat unrelated note- is Deal or No Deal the best game show ever? Absolutely no skill involved, and you get to see dumbass American trash with 40K in credit card debt and 3 kids who may or may not want money for college turning down offers of six figures only to see the 2 biggest amounts come off the board in the next round and then they have to scrape the game out to leave with barely enough money for the plane tickets home. It’s just wonderful). 
Well, Miss Japan won, and doesn’t she just look lovely flanked by these two d-bags. Honestly, we were going to SMEAR Mario Lopez this week really for 2 reasons- one, Christ just look at him, and two, here’s what he has to say on his own website - “Mario Lopez is one of the hottest stars in Hollywood today and he’s back online to answer your questions!” Who the fuck are you kidding, Mario? Jessie Spano is bigger than you these days, and she may or may not be dead. The girl who played Andrea in 90210 is bigger than you, and I don’t even know her name (again, on a totally unrelated note- I figured out that if I have a kid on September 2nd, 2010, his birthday will be 9/02/10. Imagine how much ass Walsh Connors is going to pull…seriously).
Last thing we’ll mention is the fate of Miss USA. Rachel Smith finished in 5th, making out like a bandit considering she ate shit during the evening gown competition.
Not quite the same kind of making out that 2006 Miss USA, Tara Conner, used to do. We like our Miss USA to be a hard-partying southern girl who can’t handle the big city and throws it around like Lindsay Lohan after a bottle of champagne and an 8-ball. Better luck next year, Rachel.
