Boxy’s back! By popular demand of course, our celebrity expert gets balls (er, whatever) deep into the weekly celebrity gossip. Her interweb connection has been down, meaning she had to jerk a barista at the local Harbucks for a free T-Mobile pass, so make sure and thank her for the extended effort as she opens up her box and checks in on a certain skank who topped a certain list in a certain magazine.

MINI FEED - Rosie O’Donnell is writing in her own blog about her “pain”. Brought it on yourself Rosie – no one is trying to “View” an overweight bulldyke. Angelina’s son is now legally named Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt – finally that is confirmed and we can all get some shut eye.

The question was asked if I have an opinion on the Maxim 100 Hottest List – the answer, “why of course”. I have decided I am not going to unload the fury on this list of cheap hookers because I have a very big heart, but there is still a point I want to touch on: assuming you have a working hole or two and pair of lungs, what girl that’s not a deuce/deuce and a ½ is not going to look at least semi-hot any of the following situations:

- wearing a little black leather number while standing in a shower semi-servicing herself;
- white lace bra filled with huge pups making the “who me?” face;
- the ‘I am sweaty and tired with my pants falling off but I will somehow F your brains out’;
- the ‘Oh my, you caught me off guard thank goodness I have on a thong and happen to be crawling on my red fur carpet”;
- or the ‘I am a huge tomboy that happens to have a luscious rack and lips that basically look like a penis holster’ look.

Looking at those photos reminded me of the girls in eighth grade that wore the white T’s on field day, knowing damn well we would have a water fight at the end of the afternoon. I can still close my eyes and hear them screaming at the boys when they are shooting the hose directly at their under developed nips, just like I remember wanting to just say “stop being a cock tease, virgin.” Everyone knew only about one out of ten of the girls was going to let a guy titty bomb her behind the gym. Just goes to show, some things never change – the girls just got richer and were able to buy a solid C to D cup instead of lying about a C cup that was really a B.

After I reviewed all these ladies, I realized I have a huge problem with #1, Ms. Lohan, just as my esteemed colleagues on Brahsome, and as many Americans—I’m sure—do. Reasons? Plenty:

- She would let Cisco Adler “dirty sanchez” on her for a bump
- She’s not even old enough to drink but she has the slit of a 62 year old
- Her middle name is Dee. That is about as trashy as your name being Trish or Tiffany but call her Tiff.

So what I am saying, gentlemen, is if you plan to think about effing Lohan you will:
- need to be in touch with some sort of cartel
- be getting the herpes that originated from Aaron Carter, which is sweet
- need an all day pass to Promises to visit her and her family on the weekends – we all know what recently happened to Ms. Lohan, but just in case, the recap is the tramp got all jacked, got a dewy and crashed her car. Now she is in rehab – again. Is that a Freaky enough Friday for you?

- Boxy -

1. on 31 May 2007 at 6:48 pm#1Kigh

   titty bomb behind the gym…fucking classic

2. on 31 May 2007 at 9:16 pm#2Anonymous

   I was looking forward all day to this post! I love boxy’s celeb updates…can’t wait till next Thurs. You had me laughing out loud about Miss Lohan, now I can finally go to bed.

3. on 01 Jun 2007 at 9:47 am#3deez

   There are too many classic lines in this article to count or to repeat.

4. on 01 Jun 2007 at 12:40 pm#4Leopold Stotch

   Maybe Boxy Brown needs to take this blahg over and leave you amateurs to The Daily Pile.

5. on 01 Jun 2007 at 2:13 pm#5Bstone

   Niiiiiigh Leo. We wish she would too.