The Celebrity Hot Box

We’ve been getting angry e-mails all morning begging for Boxy. And while it’s a little tardy, it’s better late than never right? Boxy was detained while playing with the Stupid Spoiled Whore Press Conference Playset and simultaneously having to diffuse the largest snuke ever found in a snizz, but she’s here now, and she’s gonna dive into some news you may or may not have heard about this morning.
Care To Get Nice?
Mini Feed: Enrique Iglesias was asked what keeps him up at night…you would stay up at night too if you had to think of 75 different “I want to F you with my eyes” looks just to stay ahead of the game since your music… uh … well lets be honest – blows.

Donald Trump, Jr. and his wife revealed the first photos of their baby – awesome! Sweet! No one cares assbag.

My sincere apologies for Boxy running late this Thursday but that slaying device some call Ms. Hilton threw me for a loop when she busted out this morning. After attending the press conference around 10 am eastern, it’s clear this was nothing more than Paris giving a solid-tug reacharound through the bars to Los Angeles County Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore at about 11:30 last night. Seeing his face this morning, it was evident that something recently went down that classifies as more exciting than the usual missionary style dead fish he gets from his wife who, by the way, “just can’t seem to shake the weight after the second baby”.

When Paris got to the jail it was reported she didn’t have to do a cavity search or spread her legs. Why the hell does someone think that would offend her? She made a sex tape with Rick Salomon and is reported to have a mirrored four post bed worth 20 grand—she’s so into herself she wants to be able to see every tanned crevasse of her plastic physique get jimmy plowed by every pretty boy with an oil rig. We aren’t exactly talking about Winnie Cooper during the Wonders Years here. What we are talking about is a sex driven slut that will do anything for a dime including hang out with Brit Brit. In the pictures you see of these two together, Paris is literally laughing at the fact she is arm and arm with the biggest skank (Ed Note: second? Really.) of our times, but she knows the cameras will be flashing and that’s all that matters to the entrepreneur.

So now they are reassigning her to 40 days house arrest – oh wow, sheriff’s really kicking her when she’s down. This douche during the press conference was all trying to make it seem like she was really getting it taken too her now. Shut up you loser and stop acting like you are sending her to Alcatraz. Her house is a quaint little Tuscan number worth $3.1 mil. Please place all those flags at half mast tonight for this unfortunate and cruel behavior she will have to endure. She will now be lounging by the pool and the worst thing to come of this is the tan line from her foot bracelet she has to wear. They say she can’t stay in the jail due to a medical condition. Oh what, she cried each night and was a little frightened by the screams? You think homegirl three cells over that has pulled each strand of hair out and turned it into Mittens the talking kitten…you think she gets to go anywhere? Oh hell no.

This really sucks. I was going to use this whole “the price is wrong bitch” line since they filmed Bob Barker’s last show on Wednesday but nope – can’t do that now. Thanks for ruining my day cunt.