Summer is upon us and many are feeling the oppression of life indoors, trapped in a cube with fluorescent lights substituted for the sun; the air-conditioning in your little 5×5 quit working two weeks ago, it feels roughly like having your head stuck in the armpit of a Bourbon Street bouncer every morning when you come into work, and it’s way too hot to sport an undershirt (a lively debate if there ever was one), meaning that even the fat chicks shoveling down pizza at 9 a.m. in the break room are taking joy in the grotesque underarm saturation that is so evident on your short-sleeved, half priced Joe Banks clearance special. So, given all that, there’s little debate that summer is the ideal time to quit your boring, dead end job and consider a move into the realm of the unemployed (read: masturbating to Boy Meets World’s Tapenga while covered in Pop Tart crumbs). So, Brahsome faithful, take a note from Jay Rodriguez (resignation email after the jump) and go out in a blaze of glory. After all, nothing burns quite like a bridge.
Care To Get Nice?
Jay Rodriguez/JPMCHASE
06/22/2007 01:16 PM
To
Subject
Farewell
Dear Co-Workers and Managers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”
For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.
Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.
Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “meets expectation.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!
And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.
But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Philip C., I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe C. were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.
To Brenda A. whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.
To Sylvia K., you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )
To Bob M. (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can’t believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.
Don M. (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I’m happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company’s rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.
To all of the executives of this company, Jamie D. and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it’s a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us “faceless little people” more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.
So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient (”because it’s good for the company”) in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.
To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don’t bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.
One!
(Ed. Note: Thanks to Heavy D for the tipster and most of the writing.)(Ed. Note 2: We just realized that this email is a classic urban legend. Doesn’t mean we still don’t want to quit our jobs and tell everyone else off, so we still applaud Senor Rodriguez for doing so in a humorous, if not original manner.
P.S. The ocean called back…and, uh…it’s out of you.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
If my investment in Chinese Wheat Gluten goes as planned, I’ll be writing that letter in the not too distant future.
It would probably be helpful if you did not list all of the email names in the “to” field of the original email since all you did was open them up to SPAM.
Thank you, Anonymous. I was one of those people who originally received the email. Although, I thought it was funny at the time, I did not appreciate our email names on the Internet. I also would like to thank the owner of this blog for taking the suggestion and taking our names off. Now, how about changing the names of the people who were directly addressed in the email.
Ask and ye shall receive. It’s the Brahsome way.