Celebrity Hot Box 7/20

Well, well, fucking well. Look who decided to roll out of the [cum] dumpster out back and grace us with her presence this week? We kid, we kid. (Kind of.) Boxy Brown whose been on hiatus do various things including apparent emotional issues (We read somewhere their periods attract bears) and adjusting to a new job (who knew? actual work is harder than handjobs). But we’re glad she’s back, and hope you’ll hit up the jump as Ms. Brown lets her box hang out.
Care To Get Nice?

Well, all celebs’ fav candidate for President Obama (holler at your boy) is backing the idea of teaching kids about sex ed in kindergarten. Well, kids, today is going to be pretty standard. We will do our normal sing-a-long and dance to get the blood flowing, have a 100% natural juicy juice and dunkaroos and then we will teach you how, when you start crying because you pissed all over yourself in your bed, Mommy and Daddy may take a little longer to come get you because Daddy is pulling Mommy around the room like a donkey before he shits on her chest. Next week we will cover what is really happening when you see Mommy’s face attached to Daddy’s Dockers and she is giving him the ‘wrap it up signal’ with her hand. That will be titled “Mommy knows Daddy can find some cheap slut to blow him if she won’t. Great idea possible future Pres. We should decrease the average age of a young girl blossoming into a raging freak whore by at least 3-5 years.

I am sure everyone has seen our girl Brit Brit gearing up for her new video. It has gotten to the point where it is literally sad to even see her. I feel bad for her—I really do. It’s amazing someone can actually have that much money and—let’s face it—potential but still somehow manage to be hands down the biggest trash skank to roam this great land in decades or very possible ever. I don’t know what to do either so please any suggestions are welcomed. How would you feel if your body looked like it was a waste pit of Marlboro Reds and box wine and everything you put on no matter how expensive made you look like you just got plowed by the Girls Gone Wild guy followed by him making you walk back in the blazing sun with one heel broken.

So the new skinny with me is I have started taking roids for the next couple weeks due to an illness. I always thought “roid rage” was sort of a joke but it is not. I have been a crazy emotional bitch for the last week. I actually gave an elderly woman the half flick off, you know the throw your hands up, roll you eyes and shaking your head, driving home from work because she was trying to get into my lane. And I am talking about 85 + year old woman. She was probably already terrified to be getting on the highway she was about to merge on because her Caddy hasn’t been over 41 in the last 30 years and then I have to go and treat her like she is a burden to society for even attempting to go out to meet her pals at the new Shoney’s. It makes me sick to be acting this way but I truly cannot help it. Try not to be creepy and keep it as brahsome as possible friends until next time.

Ed. Note: We know Boxy is busy as shit, so she probably just missed this, but we couldn’t let this weekend go by without at least acknowledging the mangled alien carcass that is posing as Tara Reid’s stomach skin. This, folks, is what it looks like after you get your stomach pumped for the 30th time for consuming a disgustingly large amount of the vodka / soda / semen mixture Miss Reid calls the Saturday Night Stunner.