Hingis Likes White Bag More Than Green Ball

At 27 years old (like Stamos and Kigh), Martina Hingis could really be in her partying prime (like Stamos and Kigh). But, for the last several years, she’s been in the prime of her professional career (unlike Stamos and Kigh). And yesterday, following allegations of a failed drug test, she announced her retirement from the world of professional tennis (unlike Stamos and Kigh). “They say that cocaine increases self-confidence and creates a type of euphoria,” she said in a statement. “I don’t know. I only know that if I were to try to hit the ball while in any state of euphoria, it simply wouldn’t work.” That sounds like the kind of BS lies ladies use when they’re blackfaced but don’t want to get plowed. Or the kind of truth guys use when they’re too corned up after late night to make shit work. At any rate, fare the well, Martina. You were always the ’sorta hot, but really good, but we didn’t really care that much about you because you never were in SI swimsuit edition or had a boyfriend that PerezHilton would rag on and definitely never accidentaly showed your box while getting out of a car or even had to common courtesy to expose c-toe via biker shorts beneath tennis skirt late in a match’ girl, and we’ll miss you.