I literally couldn’t think of anything (like seriously, nu-nu-nu-nothing at all!) to write about this morning. That never happens. So I resorted to firing out a post about my fucking alarm clock. I am now editing that post. Because me talking about my alarm clock is just ridiculous. Even if it does play whatever Ipod song I want when I wake up, which is pretty sweet. Anyway, stupid topic. And I already have both my Fanhouse pieces for today written (football here and basketball here), so I can’t pimp those. Right? (Suckers.) But you know what I can pimp?
To complete my almost wholly worthless rant, let’s cover the crrraziness of fantasy football. It’s playoff time in our fake sport, and gd-it, I’m going to talk about it. Namely how I took Fancypants to the woodshed yesterday and Stamos is staring elimination in the face with just the Vikings defense left to go. I urge all of you to pull for Sidney Rice and the Bears tonight. Why is Stamos facing elimination? Because apparently his list of people he won’t draft isn’t the same as mine. On the list of people I will never draft (again, or for the first time) in fantasy football are: Randy Moss, Terrell Owens and Brian Westbrook. There are more, but these three are relevant today. The first two are bat shit crazy and Westbrook gets injured too much for my liking, even if he has been beasting it for the last two years. This worked out for me pretty well yesterday. Hee freaking hee.
Has there everbeen a bigger spreadfucking, fantasy football week ending play like this? Okay, it probably didn’t eff the spread, as the Cowboys were favored by nearly 10, but can you imagine if it had? You never see this sort of unselfish play out of anyone in the NFL. Hell, you never see this sort of unselfish shit out of anyone in America these days. Anyway, way to be Brian Westbrook. I don’t draft you anyway, so fuck everyone else.
The other nightmarish fantasy football scenario? What if you drafted Joseph Addai, Randy Moss, Terrell Owens and Tom Brady (completely feasible if you had a pick in the 3-5 range)? You didn’t lose more than twice all year and now you feel like you just lost a marathon best of 11 roshamboe match against yourself. Why do you feel that way? Well, Dreamboat and Glitter-Glisten can chalk it up to weather. Tony Romo, um, notsomuch. Seems America’s favorite Cowboy has some serious performance issues with the ladies.
The last time he laid as big an egg as he did yesterday? Carrie Underwood was in the hizzy to check out his poor man’s Favre impersonation. Lesson: Romo can’t get it up. Kidding, kidding. That would be libelous if we really meant it. The real lesson is that Tony Romo sucks when his celebrity girlfriend is in the house. And if you think Big Daddy Drew isn’t going to let loose on this one with a Wade Phillips-Jerry Jones tirade, you’re crazy. Now stop reading this, go be productive Tits Van Winkle and vote for “The City”.
