Morning Wood: Christmas Hangover

Well, I’m sitting here back at work after my whirlwind of a Christmas.  It was quite a long day due to my splintered family, made even longer by some childish antics by my dad.  He and my step-mother are separated at the moment, so he is living alone.  I was awakened by my cell phone ringing at 6:30 am yesterday.  I looked down, saw it was my step-mom, gave it a big prabs and went back to sleep.  Phone rings at 7:00 am and it’s my step-sister (who hates my dad more than brahs like to pile).  I answer this time and she tells me my dad is having severe indigestion and I need to go over there and also mentions something about it probably not being a heart attack.  Fucking great.  My dad isn’t exactly a model of health and takes care of himself worse than Homer Simpson.  I drag myself out of bed and go over there to find him moaning and groaning like he is dying.  My step-mom is clearly not pleased with the situation and goes home as soon as I get there.  So I sit down and listen to him babble about what he thinks is wrong.  I do my best to tune him out, which was hard considering he sounded like a wounded animal.  I’m sitting there thinking, is this fucking serious?  Before you accuse me of being a heartless bastard, let me tell you about my dad. 

He’s ridiculous.  He refuses to go the doctor or the hospital for any reason.  So there was really no reason for me to be there, other than the fact that he’s bitter he’s working on his 3rd divorce and sitting home alone on Christmas.  I guess that kind of sucks, but it’s not my problem.   I guess I felt somewhat sorry, so I bit my tongue and sat there for and hour and a half, when all I really wanted to do was leave and say “call me if you are actually dying.”  I finally get relieved at 8:45 and go home.  All I want to do is crawl in bed and go back to sleep, but my mom and sister love Christmas more than anyone I know and they are ready to eat breakfast and open presents.  I laugh them off and go get in bed, which, of course, makes me the fucking grinch.  I laid down for about a 45 minutes before guilt got the best of me and I joined the rest of the family down stairs.  That started my whirlwind of a day at my mom’s, grandparents’, step-mom’s and dad’s respective houses.  I’ll save you the boring details, but the highlights include: seeing my 18 year old cousin for the first time since getting out of rehab with dreads (I don’t personally care what he does with his hair, but it was a little much for my conservative, elderly grandparents who cried at Thanksgiving because he wasn’t there) and getting a used tie from my dad.  That’s how you repay me for being the only person on this earth who will sit with you while you try to burp yourself on Christmas morning?  Not only is it used, but it’s ugly as shit.  I’ve yet to receive my first pay check and I spent more on him than he did on me, but hey, who’s counting.  In addition to the used tie, I got an ever uglier new tie and bottle of liquor.  And he wonders why he was sitting alone Christmas morning…

If my wood is putting you back to sleep, check out Topanga, from the Ben Savage vehicle Boy Meet’s World, getting a DUI.  And your lying if you deny ever making it rain to Topanga.