Mark Mangino does not care for your oranges. Or health. He is fat as balls. It’s borderline embarrassing how fat he is. Okay “borderline embarrassing” might actually be the early leader for understatement of the year, but do you think he gives a shit? Hells no, son. After nearly 20 plus years off the market due to cocaine and hot box yoga being straight effing porky is back in. But no longer will the pudgy peddlers of portly pretentious pigskin (alliteration for alliteration’s sake really) be judged because of their girth. They will be applauded for it in the new dawn of grizzled bacon, backfat and Biscuitville that is the new year. Now bacon up that sausage, boy: fat is the new heat in 2008.
Seriously. Don’t believe me? You better listen to your (now fat) friend Billy Zane when he tells you to eff the gym and go straight for the Cheez-ITs in 2008. Or you could just follow the jump as we go “3 Up, 3 Down” with football related fatties.
(Ed. Note: Yes, the three down are coming. Be patient. Work sucks.)
THREE UP
1. Mark Mangino
I defy you to find me someone who is hotter than the Baby Eater at this particular point in time. Jim Tressel? Gay sweater. Mack Brown? Thanks, Vince! Bob Stoops? Clearly, no. Les Miles? Played. Rico Rodriguez? Como say deesay ‘joke’? Will Muschamp? MOTHERFUCKER Steakhead.
Dude, Mangino just took Ass Face Frank Beamer straight up, head to head in a battle of gut against goiter, mano eeee mano and whipped him silly. He faked punts, he ran his offense and he dominated on special teams. How you like him now? Exactly. Dude is rotund, beasty and a winner. If I were Bill Self I’d just give up.
2. Wade Phillips
I’m not going to try and even pretend to be nearly as funny or clever in coming up with nicknames for fatties as Big Daddy Drew (who, in theory, could make this list as well, given his humor, purported fatness and rise to the top of the blogging world) so I’m just going to dive right in and point out that “Rosa Porks” (touche Capt.) has the Cowboys straight rolling. TO hurt something against the Panthers but it’s not like he hasn’t ever gone down before a big playoff stretch run before…and came up muy largo despite Donovan McNabb’s best efforts to sink the ship with his own vomit. But enough about Crazy. Let’s talk about Fatty. He’s a defensive coach. You know that right? 
Then how in the name of Pat Garrett(y) are the Cowboys on such a freaking offensive roll butter soaked, gravy drenched biscuit? Because TO believes. And because he’s not stupid enough to leave the second best receiving tight end in the NFL on the offensive line to block. And because he’s actually smart enough to figure out that Marion Barber is in fact better than Julius Jones. Who knew! Oh, and let’s not forget that his fatness transcends genetics. At least in the form of sweater puppies. His daughter? Smoke. Nice, fatty.
3. Bill Parcells
Go ahead. Hide those titties behind a suit, Tuna. No one believes you’re any less grotesque and bulbous. But you don’t have to. As long as you know that. Haven’t you seen your boy, Wade, jumping giggilingly up and down on the sidelines of Cowboy stadium as Romo gets eyefucked by celebrities looking to derail the Dallas season? Or are you too busy concentrating on cranking out a 800 PERCENT INCREASE in wins for the city of Miami next year? Because 800 percent is good. And it’s going to happen. Bank on it son. Just as sure as Tuna’s tatties will jiggle in the press box every time John Beck hits Keyshawn Johnson for another first down.
To Be Continued…
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Mark Mangino ate Ralph Friedgen