I would like to give a warm Brahsome welcome to a close friend of mine, The Sorostitute. After a lot of prodding (something she’s familiar with), she finally put the pen to paper for a Morning Wood (something else she’s familiar with). Her resume includes Senior Sorostitute at Wake Forest and Head Sweetheart of a frat, which she, ummmm, ”worked” very hard to get. She enjoys Thursday nights, blacking out and Pledges. Graduting in May, the Sorostitute plans to take her show on the road to the frattiest post-college city around, The District of Columbia. For her services, Brahsome has already secured her an invite to Late Night Shots, so she can make an easy transition to alumni fratdom. Odds are she ends up getting nice with some Congressman after-hours. Ladies and Gentlemen, without further adu, The Sorostitute.
Heidi Montag, from MTV’s The Hills, has debuted her first ever music video. It’s a Jessica Simpson video on crack. Read closely, since the plot is hard to follow. It’s her and her fake titties rolling around on the beach. Naturally, when I saw it, I thought of Morning Wood. Literally. Well when I saw it, and then I watched my guy friends watch it on repeat for a solid half hour before they kindly asked me to leave as they reached for a sock. This video probably even got a rise out of a few of my favorite brahs, who are pushing 30, so it takes a little something extra these days to get that thing going. The Piler claimed he couldn’t watch it at work because he didn’t have sound, but let’s be serious here; this video is meant to be watched on mute for most people and he just didn’t wanna get caught doing anything under the desk since he’s still new to the job.
Spencer Pratt, for those of you not up on your Hills lingo, is her ex boyfriend, ex fiance, who knows anymore? No one really knows what he does for a living, other than making a living as a huge douche and ffffing Heidi when she’s not at work. (Which in case you were curious, is at a PR firm, not at a brothel). Well Spencer’s resume has now extended to being the director and the producer of this glorious “music” video. If only I had known that everytime I had a boyfriend tape me being a slut I could lipsync to some terrible song and call it a music video instead of home made porn. One of my personal favorite parts was the scene with her running through the seagulls, circa 1998 Baywatch. It could have only been better if David Hasselhoff was rolling around with her, blackout eating a hamburger. I can’t decide which is my favorite part though; the choreography, the bikini, the lyrics, or the fact that they walked down the Maxim Super bowl party red carpet with him carrying a stereo on his shoulder playing tunes off her new album while she talked to reporters. Some people are hating on Heidi’s new video and the shameless self promotion. Some people think girls that hot should just keep their mouths shut. Well, not shut, just not allowed to talk. So what if her voice is as fake as her nose and her boobies? I would personally like to lead a round of applause for you, Heidi Montag. Without you slutting around, pretending to be a legitimate musician, who would we look to for entertainment? Since Britney has gone and gotten herself locked up in a crazy ward for who knows how long, we need a new focus of our attention. I say slut it up Heidi; set the bar high. Dream big, and keep the singles coming. I’m headed out to the bar for karaoke and $2 drafts, and using Heidi as my inspiration. If she can get laid with that voice, then I’m definitely in the clear tonight. And when I go home with a random frat dude, I will know that I’m still not as slutty as her. Maybe I’ll even let him bust out a video camera.
-The Sorostitute
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That song is horrible.
Wow. That is just terrible. At one point I thought she said something about Kanki…She should skip this attempt at a music career and go straight into porn.
How do I go about partying with The Sorostitute? She’s funny as hell, likes to black and a sorostitute; what else can I ask for (besides a huge rack)?
“Some people think girls that hot should just keep their mouths shut.”
I didn’t think man hands, fake tits, and a deer caught in headlights type face qualified someone as “hot”. Heidi is the ultimate butter face.