Rickey Kempter kind of sounds like a dood that would cough up money for a private lap dance in the hopes that whatever stripper was grinding on his junk would end up somehow falling in love with him like he loves her only to run away from her pimp — since she’s really a prostitute on the sly, obvs — and then marry him at a Las Vegas chapel before skipping town for the bright lights of St. Louis. Right?
Probably. He’s definitely the type of guy who would counterfeit $50 bills just so he could pay for a lap dance though. At least that’s what he admitted to a “taxi driver” and the Cheyenne (quick aside: that would be a great name for a stripper, no?) police.
The taxi driver told investigators that they dropped off one of the dancers and proceeded to the motel, where Kempter asked him to hold a roll of $50 bills.
“(The driver) noticed that the money was ‘funny looking’ and that several of the $50 Federal Reserve notes were not cut evenly,” court documents show. “(The driver) further noticed that several of the $50 Federal Reserve notes had the same serial numbers.”
The chain of authority here, by the way, is simply stunning: driver notes that the fifties don’t look real, calls his boss, his boss calls the cops (!), cops call the US Secret Service.
I guess that’s how it’s supposed to go, but if you’re ole’ Ricky, you just experienced the largest nightmare of all time, going from getting your d ridden straight into a secret service investigation, all because you bought a nice printer, created a measly $1,200 worth of fake bills and figured that the GED-riddled strippers in Cheyenne, Wisconsin wouldn’t be able to recognize what the difference.
On the bright side, he’ll be waiting for a judge to decide on Wednesday whether or not there’s enough evidence to actually send him to trail; if the judge has any modicum of sense about him, he’ll simply acknowledge that prosecuting this turd is a waste of taxpayers money and just stick him with a $2,400 fine and two years of lapdance probation.
And yeah, I don’t have a freaking clue how this pimp taxi driver wasn’t more concerned about calling the cops either.
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