Morning Wood is a new daily feature on Brahsome. Every Monday through Thursday at 10 a.m., one of the Brahs will go on a rant about some relevant topic in pop culture. On Fridays we will have either a random Brah or a guest poster, so if you’re interested or have someone you’d like to read, let us know. Sometimes it will be long, sometimes it will be short. It will be fun.
You probably don’t know who Richard “Dickie” Scruggs is. I only know who he is because my dad told me about him at breakfast I read about it him in the Wall Street Journal this weekend. You can get the basic gist of it from our old friend Wikipedia (never told a lie!), but if you’re too lazy for linkage then here’s a quick summary: Dickie’s a lawyer in Mississippi who won a shitload of money for his clients off of Big Tobacco. Then he represented people (notably Trent Lott) in an insurance lawsuit against State Farm for stuff involving that hurricane that hit New Orleans. Kathryn somethingoranother. Anyway, he and his fellow lawyers won about 26 million dollars but had trouble figuring out how to split it up. Another lawsuit ensued, and Dickie and one of his primary partners tried to bribe the judge into settling in their favor. Turns out the judge was an undercover fed, and now and Dickie & Co. are going to jail for quite some time.
Why do I care, especially when justice has been/will have been served? Because I’m sick already super-rich assholes abusing the system to try and get mega-super-rich. What’s the GD point? It’s 26 million f’ing dollars. How can you not figure out how to split it up? Shit, let’s pretend me, Stamos, Kigh and Piler have 26 million to split from the sale of Brahsome. Here’s what happens: “Okay, we’re each going to take six million dollars. Then we’re going to Vegas for a month on the other two million. Problems? Didn’t think so.” It’s not hard, Dick.
Now, in all fairness, it does get a little tougher when we’re talking about 10 people and roughly $150 million dollars. Especially when those 10 “people” are greedy “academic institutions”. Don’t get me wrong – I love college football. And I’ve loved every minute of the tripped out insanity that has been the 2007 season. But when all the shit shakes down from all the upsets and all the one-shining-moments and all we’re left with is a computer generated set of numbers that tells me – suddenly – that Ohio State and Louisiana State should play for the title to decide who is the best team in the country, well, I have an f’ing problem with that.
Not that I didn’t see Ohio State coming; their schedule (if you want to call it that) is such that they have bonus time off to rise in the standings while everyone else playing in conference championships risks falling back. We’re just lucky Georgia didn’t backdoor a birth in the championship game, otherwise we’d have to hear echoes of Les Miles whining the entire way to Michigan.
Instead, he now gets to beat the sweatervest off of THE OSU and take his dream job in Ann Arbor (if you think this somehow isn’t happening, you should reassess how early you start smoking crack in the mornings – I recommend 11:30). And this is my actual beef with the BCS this year; I can live with the notion that we probably won’t have a clear indicator of who the best team in the country is. Georgia is probably playing better than anyone else in the country, winning their last six games with a schedule that included a secretly tough Vanderbilt team, Florida, Auburn, Kentucky and Georgia Tech. Of course, if we had an eight team playoff format (keep the f’ing BCS – use it to figure out who’s in and who’s out…) where everyone took the revenue, hacked it up eight ways with a special chunk pulled out for winning and finishing second and then battled to the death over Christmas and New Years…well, that would be a whole lot cooler. And no one would get screwed on the revenue end of it.
But no, we’re just going to have four games. And all five of them are going to be tremendous blowouts. Sure, we’ll all make some money gambling off them, which we’ll promptly cough back up in college basketball, but these games won’t be good.
Georgia is going to take a steamy bulldog dump on June Jones’ offense, West Virginia probably deserves the death penalty for the turd they laid against a 4-7 Dave Wannestedt Pitt team (can a Wannestedt team be anything other than 4-7?) with their national title hopes on the line. I respect what the Fighting Illini have done this year, but if the best replacement for that overrated joke of a Buckeye squad in the Rose is a team coached by Ron Zook, well, we got problems. And if Virginia Tech or LSU have spreads within two touchdowns, consider my mortgaged wagered, Vegas.
I honestly hope that Hawaii wins, but we really couldn’t have slapped something together that involved the Rainbows against Kansas or possibly West Virginia? You know, a 75 point-over shootout that actually seems fun, rather than a bunch of dogpiles. And yeah, I know that parity is coming on strong, but I hate to break it to you – Boise St in 2006 was the exception, not the norm.
We can preach parity all we want, but as long as Ohio State and Michigan can keep getting fat on shitty Big 10 schedules, and the Trojans and Buckeyes can avoid playing a conference championship games, and Hawaii can go undefeated throughout the year (while having Michigan cancel a scheduled game) and still not have a shot at the national title…well, Dickie Scruggs ain’t in jail yet.
