Did UKJ really not mention anything about a cat? I could have sworn they did. Anyway, when I started thinking about this piece, it was late. I was angry. And there were things bothering me. So, I said to myself, I can either write a Monday Morning Wood column that’s not really heartfelt and deals with something-something, blah-blah-blah being in school licks monkey satchel I have the gambling prowess of Dan Mahoney the Panthers suck.
Or I could just channel that anger and come up with a list of things I hate right now. Yes, that seems that infinitely more appropriate. It’s Monday, goddammit.
10. Exams/School – F-off. It’s my list. And after tomorrow afternoon, I’ll stop complaining about it. Until then, it means I have waaaay less time to watch Ducktales and Magnum, P.I. Or to play Guitar Hero. Jesus, I’m a loser.
9. Frank Caliendo – I don’t get it, I really don’t. MadTV wasn’t enough of a career killer? No one saw that pile of steaming donkey pellets and thought, “Hey, maybe anyone within 14 studio blocks of that show should be summarily shot in the face?” Or how about just removed from the entertainment industry forever. I’m actually okay with this latest clip that FOX ran on Sunday, right up to the point where the baby makes the picks. That’s where I almost freak out into some spastic sort of arm-flailing at the horrible state of television and comedy. Taste the sad, Michael.
8. NC State Athletics – Again, my list. Go fahk yourself. Just beat ECU and Carolina. That’s all we ask. Actually wait, no. Don’t get de-pantsed by a combined 60 points in our last two football games to barely stave off bowl eligibility. We ask that too. East Carolina recorded it’s first ever win against an ACC opponent in the history of it’s basketball program Saturday. Of course you know who was on the other end of that embarrassment.
7. New England in general – Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. We get it, you’re great. Your precious little Patriots are a covering machine airing it out on the road to perfection. But really, Boston fans have never changed. They claim life is different with a World Series ring, KG in town and all of these Super Bowl wins, but just go read Bill Simmons lately. Before Sunday, he wouldn’t stop talking about how the Colts are the 2005 Pats (they are, with a better passing game) and how the 2007 Pats are running out of gas in their quest for perfection. See – that’s what a Boston sports fan is supposed to be saying. Scared your team might not fulfill your swaggy boasting from earlier in the season? No worries! Just backtrack! Besides, you live in L.A., dude. Just get a Pete Carroll sweatshirt. I can’t wait until Indy beats them in Foxboro.
6. The Writer’s Guild Strike – At first it was noble. Now it’s kind of like, fuck off hippies. Give it up. It’s called America. The rich get richer, while the poor continue to suffer more horrid tragedies each day. But you’re not even poor, you sons of bitches. You make more in a day’s work than this blog makes in a week a month a year eternity. So get off your lazy beatnik asses and start cranking out new episodes of The Office and 30 Rock. And yeah, I know 30 Rock has been new recently but there’s a reason they were alternating “new” weeks between that and Michael Scott – we’re running out of time people. It’s all fun and games until FOX cancels Season 7 of 24. Then it is fucking on.
5. People talking shit about Philip Rivers – Look, yeah, we effing get it, okay? He’s taken a step back. He’s not as good as he was last year. He’s not Drew Brees. Oh yeah, they stopped saying that because Brees sucks now too. Again. Somehow. Just get off Phil’s GD satchel okay? It’s not his fault. It’s Norv Turner being a complete and utter moron. And I’m not even going to take the time to find all the box scores from San Diego losses that have Rivers with more passing attempts than LaDanian has carries. It’ll just make me too mad. And I love how no one spends all this excessive time talking about how effing overrated Vince Young is. Because, you know, he’s just a winner.
4. Fantasy Basketball – Oh, no wait. I love fantasy basketball. You jerkstores just don’t come over to Fanhouse and read my column enough. That’s what was pissing me off. Seriously, just bookmark it, swing by once a day, laugh at my thumbnail pic, call me a loser and then leave. I don’t give a shit. Hits are hits.
3. 
Mark Zuckerman – Dude. I’m sick of your emails to me. I’m sick of your addictive little third party applications. I’m sick of your status updates. I’m really f’ing sick of hearing every time some stupid whore on FB decides that she loves her BFF! But most of all, I’m sick of hearing about how much money you made from Microsoft. Do you know how hard it is to come to work Monday morning without realizing that some douchebag that wears Adidas shower flops to business meetings just made 250 millions dollars? Do you???
2. Brian Baldinger – Sure, he’s no Emmitt Smith. Hell, he’s no Gary Danielson. But he says superhumanly retarded things like “When Matt Moore comes in the game … he plays quarterback.” And he always calls Panthers’ games, so I literally cannot watch anything that he calls now. It drives me insane to the point where I can’t enjoy my pile. Such was the torture on Sunday. Bengals! Rams! Brock Berlin! … With Pat Summerall out of retirement to make the call. You might hate Summerall, but I’ve played so many hours of Golden Tee while hiding from authorities and responsibility in general, tucked away in the dark netherregions of a cell phone service free corner of a bar, that he’s like a father figure. And you ruined it Balldingle. Tanks for nothing.
1. Beyonce, “Lemme, Lemme, Upgrade!” – The next time I wake up at 7:15 a.m. with this dookie stuck in my head, someone’s going to die.
Happy Monday everyone.
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Fabulous rant…just made my Monday!