Morning Wood: TOAST!!!!!

Goddammit. I’m not going to do it. You’ll thank me later. Because, after all, you had to be expecting some sort of steroids focused rant about the George Mitchell investigation. And why wouldn’t you? Yesterday, the air was a little crisper. The sun shined a little brighter. That early morning cig went down a little smoother and the needle didn’t hurt as much between the old toes. Why? Because Roger Clemens is an effing fraud. We knew this. He knew this. But instead we just focused on Barry Bonds and his giant melon of a cabesa instead. No particular reason – Clemens and his microscopic 1.86 ERA in his 23rd season of baseball shouldn’t have aroused any suspicion, right? And now, it’s all about to be fact. No more conjecture bullshit. Just Roger wiping the hot, greedy steam of his breathe from the Cooperstown windows away with $100 bills before climbing into his burnt orange Hummer and driving down to Andy Pettite’s house for a handjob.

Anyway, that’s all I want to mention about the steroids things. Except, well – briefly, the fact that Miggy Tejada and TOAST Lo Duca, among others, are subject to some pretty, pretty, pretty convenient and fortunate timing. Like new teams and for some, new contract type timing. Which brings up the whole notion that GM’s are dirty; knowingly committing a immoral act/crime that’s hurting everyone involved. Kind of like a little girl who stuffs Zebra cakes and Slim Jims in her underwear before going to bed at night. No one wins in the long run.

Just like no one wins in the long run when you try and judge an NFL draft class before anyone’s played a single fucking minute of football. No, seriously, Reggie Bush where were you last night? Oh, what’s that? Really? You’re out for the season? But at least you played well before you got hurt. What’s that? Oh. You don’t say. How many yards per carry did you average this season? Just over three and a half? Well, that’s fucking fascinating, because that’s exactly how many sacks Mario Williams had. LAST. NIGHT.

It’s beyond absurd to hear the media types talk about how “Oh, well, I guess we shouldn’t have judged Mario too soon!” as if they didn’t completely crucify him and the Texans for being fools, idiots and overrated before he even stepped on the football field (oh, read that link. It’s Stephanie Stradley’s article at Fanhouse and it’s awesome. If you want to read something good about the Texans, find her writing. Trust me.) Why? Because Bush ran back a lot of punts and ran for a shitload of yards against a bunch of PAC-10 opponent. Well, guess what Reginald? You know how many sacks Super Mario has this season? THIRT-EEN. That’s right. You can count. It’s one less than you have for your entire career. Which means that in his second season, not only is Mario Williams going to have more sacks than you have touchdowns for life as a professional football player, but he is the Houston Texans Goddamn Career Sack Leader at 17.5 right now. Everyone take a big f’ing deep breath and apologize to Mario. Oh, and while you’re at it, drop Reggie a “Get Well!” card, since he “broke” his “hurt” leg (or something) right after Yahoo! pointed out that he got paid to play at USC.

Tagged as: Barry Bonds, Mario Williams, NFL, Paul Lo Duca, Reggie Bush, Roger Clemens, The Mitchell Report