Morning Wood: The End of an Era

After over twenty years of education and some disgusting debt, I finally landed a job. It’s pretty remarkable, if you think about it, that at age 27 I have never held more than a summer job and have never paid income taxes. Sadly, both feats came to a crashing end Monday morning. Even sadder is the fact that it brought one of the most epic piles on record to an end, but frankly, it was time. I’ve basically achieved everything there is to achieve in the piling world….except for house-husband and that’s not happening for a few years, anyway. Prior to Monday, I can count on one hand the number of times I have had to set an alarm in the last five months. While that’s been nice, it’s lonely at the top. Most all of my esteemed fellow pilers have moved on. Brinson took the quitters routewent to rehab, Furr took his wandering pile to the Big Apple and Kurt no longer bar-tends at Crowley’s. Piling just isn’t as fun when there’s nobody to make you feel better about yourself pile with. So, I got suited up for the Legal World. Get Nice to see how my first couple of days went.

I wasn’t sure how early to be there Monday, so I took the high road and got there a few minutes after 8:00. Not too many folks were there, but I ran into a partner who said “Oh, we weren’t expecting you until 9:00, let me find you some work.” Great, not only I did lose out on an hour of sleep, but I set a bad precedent that I am a go getter. I got the tour, met my coworkers and was shown my office. So far, so good. The courier is hot, young and backs The Pack. Niiigh. I got settled into my office and fired up the old porn box. But before I could even get to you youporn.com (that’s not safe for work for you ECU grads) I heard a big thud. I’m not really sure if the sound was my soul being crushed or the big packet that landed on my desk. Sadly, it was a partner and not the courier. This began a barrage of assingments on my desk. Being an associate is like pledging, except it lasts for six or seven years. The older people harass you, make you do shit they don’t want to do and generally make your life hell. I made it through the morning without completely freaking out. After lunch with a couple of partners, the afternoon was a total blur. All I know is that billable hours are not brahsome. At all. If I’m not billing a client for something, then I’m wasting the firm’s and my time. I got a nice little lesson in billing bullshit euphemisms. Clients don’t really like to get billed because you emailed, or when a partner explains something to me I should already know. We call that correspondence and conference, respectively. I haven’t quite figured how to bill hours while blahginng…without committing fraud. Day two brought a lot more work. The low-light was a partner strolling in my office with this gem, “Shit rolls down hill and you’re at the bottom right now.” I would bore you with more of the next 30 years of my life, but I’ve got to go bill a client for walking down to the mail room (and taking the long way to go by the courier’s desk).

Tagged as: Hot Couriers, House Husbands, Morning Wood, Piling