We’ve received a lot fan mail recently asking “where the eff is Boxy Brown?” Well folks, Boxy is giving marriage a bad name. She got that ring on her finger and quit giving head, shaving her legs, tolerating all-nighters, and most dissapointing of all, she quit on Brahsome. And my lady-friend wonders why I break out in hives when diamonds get mentioned. You know what? Eff Boxy. We’ve got a new celeb gossip whore for the Hot Box. Ladies and Gentlemen, Brahsome is pleased to introduce Magic Sarah and her box.
Let’s get hopped up and make some bad decisions: 2007
Seeing as it’s the holiday season and the year is coming to an end, I feel like it’s a great time for reflection and gratitude to some very special people in my life. Of course, I’m talking about the shit for brain “celebrities” that say whatevs to good judgment and leave common sense the same place they left their panties.
Paris Hilton, who I wish I could punch in the boob, went to jail for the usual, DUI. Bun-In-The-Oven, Nicole Richie was obviously feeling a strong maternal instinct when she took a reefer and painkiller induced wrong way joyride down the highway. That poor unborn fetus, hopefully Angelina will adopt it. Lindsay Lohan was lucky enough to get her skanky mug shot taken twice after being arrested for DUI and cocaine possession. Her defense? The pants in which the chach was found weren’t hers. She’s one clever crack-whore, I’ve got to remember that one Blohan also went into the hospital for appendicitis, which at this point we know is code for rehab.
The biggest douche bag of the year goes to Spencer Pratt from The Hills, for rocking that flesh colored beard, spray painting the word “Hollywood” on his living room wall and buying his girlfriend’s, who finally got some tits, engagement ring at a store name Ice Accessories. At least he has his giant chiclet teeth to keep him company
For the couples that gave my gag reflex a work out, there was a tie. Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong, having one ball must have really eaten a way at his self esteem. The illustrious Pam Anderson and Rick “I do it best in night vision” Soloman. Together their medicine cabinet must look like the pharmacy at Planned Parenthood.
Criss Angel, the poor man’s David Blaine, somehow managed to bump uglies with a slew of celebrity females, including Cameron Diaz, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. But, his best magic trick…not being consumed by crabs and gonorrhea.
An oldie, but a goodie, Paula Abdul always keeps me grinning. When she not hopped up on pills and speaking in tongues, she’s losing it on her failed reality show. Breaking her nose while tripping over her dog was the least embarrassing thing she did all year. Straight Up, she’s a f*ing whack job. .
Asshole celebrities always give me that warm, fuzzy feeling. Here are a few of the idiots I cherish the most. Shia LaBeouf, the Transformer star, for getting arrested after refusing to leave a Walgreen’s. Yeah, a Walgreen’s. Whatever happened to getting busted for doing lines off of a hooker’s ass? Amateur. Larry Birkhead, for actually fighting for custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Happy Father’s Day, chump. Quentin Tarantino, for claiming that Lindsay Lohan is one of the best actresses in
Oh, and before I forget, just in time for Christmas, the Ray J./Kim Kardashian sex tape is being re-released with extra, never before seen footage. I hope it was in your stocking. But, if you’re wondering what I wanted for Christmas, it was Justin Bobby’s boots.
Lastly, I have to give homage to the woman who’s done it all. Britney Spears. The biggest train wreck of all time. After going in and out of rehab a few times, getting a rad new hair do, flashing her very tired junk and really giving it to that SUV with an umbrella, I thought she might be finished with her “how to become a washed up sausage wallet” checklist. Oh no, she was just getting started. She hit a parked car, became BFFs with Paris “you should probably get tested” Hilton, ran over a paparazzo’s foot, bombed at the VMAs, flashed her Britney a couple more times and lost custody of her kids to K-Fed. At least Rite Aid is still selling her perfume. ‘Atta girl.
Not to be out done by big sis, little Jamie Lynn is preggers and doesn’t know who the daddy is. You can take the whore out of the trailer-park, but you can never take the trailer-park out of the whore. I heard their mom is writing a book on parenting. Niiigh. New Brahsome contest: Best name for the this book. Winner gets some Brahsome gear. Send your submissions to email@example.com. Well kids, I’m out for ‘07. Spread ‘em, if you got ‘em, -Magic Sarah
Not to be out done by big sis, little Jamie Lynn is preggers and doesn’t know who the daddy is. You can take the whore out of the trailer-park, but you can never take the trailer-park out of the whore. I heard their mom is writing a book on parenting. Niiigh. New Brahsome contest: Best name for the this book. Winner gets some Brahsome gear. Send your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Well kids, I’m out for ‘07.
Spread ‘em, if you got ‘em,