With the news that Joe Gibbs is stepping down as head coach of the Washington Redskins, we no longer have to talk about the Patriots there’s a major coaching vacancy that’s going to stir multiple pots as Danny Snyder seeks to fuck up D.C. area football further fill it with someone capable. And since you’ve been waiting with baited breath for our all inclusive, insider look at the potential candidates, here it is:
1. Tom Cruise – Why can’t a homosexual coach a football team? Not that it’s relevant here of course…
PRO: Already familiar with inner workings of Daniel Snyder’s sphincter football operations.
CON:
2. Brian Billick – He’s a fucking offensive genius, didn’t you hear?
PRO: Captain Chaos’ fantasy value skyrockets. What logical person runs the ball on first and goal?
CON: We kinda started to like Jason Campbell.
3. Bobby Petrino – We hear he’s looking.
PRO: Job security, faithfulness.
CON: He’s not afraid to get down on his belly, wear a snout, or grunt like a fucking pig. Oh, wait. That’s a plus. Nevermind.
4. Lou Holtz – Thith would be an ethpethelly thuper hire.
PRO: See Below.
CON: Older than Joe Gibbs.
5. Joe Gibbs – It would be the fanciest “play” he ran in sixty five years of coaching.
PRO: Consistency in the coaching staff.
CON: Game may have passed him by. Not sure on that one though.
6. Jimmy Johnson – #48 that is.
PRO: NASCAR experience is always a plus.
CON: Lacks necessary qualifications to coach football, despite superb fake name recognition and a slightly better haircut than his namesake.
7. Eric Taylor – d/b/a Kyle Chandler
PRO: Won state title without starting quarterback, and has a beautiful wife and even hotter daughter.
CON: Not technically a real person- otherwise he’d be at the top of the list.
8. Bill Cowher – GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
PRO: Has a sickner moustache.
CON: Forever fucking the coaching salary scale when Snyder gives him 50 million bones to leave his current gig playing the jockey to Shannon Sharpe’s horse.
9. Daniel Snyder – Isn’t the captain supposed to go down with the ship?
PRO: Keeps him away from his standy disastrous payroll decisions!
CON: May not be good at directing a football team.
10. Jesus – He’s already been consulting on the team for four years, so why not?
PRO: Younger than Gibbs.
CON: Football may not be top focus.
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I nominate George W. Bush. He’ll be looking for for soon and he and Snyder share some of the same philosophies…
Jesus would be a great hire. With all the players who thank Jesus after a good game, I’d think at least some of them would want to play for the guy. Pro: perhaps he could bring Sean Taylor back with him. Con: I don’t think the Cover 2 had been invented in AD 0.
HOW ABOUT HILLARY??????? (FedEX is close to the White House)