We found this story on Fox News about barnacles and their ability to grow huge penii (yup, we pluralized it). And since we at Brahsome pride ourselves on our sophomorically sophisticated commentary, we’ll pull a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 approach here, with some quotes and then our random takes. Don’t remember MST3K? That’s pretty weak, son.
they have evolved the longest penises of any creature for their size — up to eight times their body length — to seek out and have sex with their neighbors.
Who among you wouldn’t be happier with 48 feet of meat between your legs? Anyone? We thought not. It’s also nice to know that humans aren’t the only species infatuated with the ‘girl next door.’
But large penises can be a problem, what with waves crashing down on the surfaces where these crustaceans often dwell. A too-long penis could flop around uselessly in such turbulence, drastically cutting down a barnacle’s chances for procreation.
We always thought when a penis was flopping around uselessly, it was the result of bourbon, not being too long. That’ll make a better excuse next time: “I didn’t drink too much, my peen is just too big.”
The benefit of a longer penis is obvious
That’s what she said.