Gary Coleman: Loser

We’re sure there are some valid reasons for someone to have gotten to middle age without having experienced the sweet joys of intercourse.  Like if you’re in the ministry.  Or if you were born with no penis.  Or…. well, actually that’s about it.  Seriously, it’s not that hard to find the girl who just wants extra attention in high school (assuming, of course, that you are in high school- let’s not go getting illegal here, m’kay?) or who has relegated herself to resident receptacle in college or who’s had one too many cosmo’s in her early 20s.  Everyone has sex with somebody.  But, there are still some die-hards out there that find it suits them to save themselves for marriage.  And while it’s a practice Brahsome won’t ever understand, it’s somewhat intriguing, if nothing else, that you could get to 25 or 30 knowing nothing of carnal pleasure other than the diff’rent strokes you have with your right and left hands.  But then there’s Gary Coleman.  He’s 40.  He’s married.  And yet, he has no idea what it’s like to bump uglies.  Honestly, in an age when this guy (right- courtesy of Getty Images via wwtdd.com) is plowing Marissa Miller, you’re telling me Gary Coleman hadn’t smashed some randie box before he got married, and even now won’t insert and wiggle?  Sure he’s probably packing the definition of milli-meat, but damn- this girl married you.  If you’re gonna have to give her half your shit when she leaves you for someone more than half her size, you might as well at least tap that ass.  “It will happen when it happens” Coleman said.  In our best Willis voice,  “What the fuck are you talking about, Gary?”  Hopefully we’ll find out soon that this is some weird marketing ploy for his upcoming movie The 40 Year Old Virgin 2: Is It In Yet? and after the release word will leak out that Gary Coleman is the Wilt Chamberlain of the midget scene.

Tagged as: Gary Coleman, Marissa Miller