Keith Richards Reluctantly Reveals Secret to His Odds-Defying Longevity…

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You don’t reach the age of 64 living the “Keith Richards Lifestyle” without having something bat shit crazy up your sleeve. Or perhaps in this case, your nose.

It’s long been rumored that legendary Rolling Stones rocker Keith Richards once snorted his father’s ashes while riding the ol’ White Horse. The source of this buzz was an interview Richards gave the UK’s New Musical Express back in May of 2007. In response to the question of what was the strangest thing he ever tried snort, Richards matter of factly replied “My father. I snorted my father.” “He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared … It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.” You’re god damn right you’re still alive.

Naturally, Richards and Stones’ publicists have always dismissed that story as a joke that got taken out of context. You know, an offhand remark having more to do with Richards probably having had one too many “Cocoa Puffs” immediately prior to the interview. Well, things have changed.

“Keef” apparently sets the record straight in the May issue of Blender Magazine: “I opened my dad’s ashes and some of them blew out over the table, just because of the suction of the lid, you know what I mean?” “I looked at my dad’s ashes down there and – what am I gonna do? Do I desecrate them with a dustbin and broom? So I wet me finger and I shoved a little bit of Dad up me hooter,” he said. “The rest of them I put round an oak tree, which is coming up a treat. And I’m sure he’s still blessing me.”

Yeah, man, what are you gonna do? Defile your father’s ashes by sweeping them up and putting them back in the urn? Hell no. Let’s be realistic. What you do is, you see, you lick your finger, rub it around in the deceased’s remains, and then shove it up your “hooter”. After that you take the rest of the spillage and use it to fertilize some foliage in your backyard. I get it, Keef. I get it.

Curiously, Richards still denies that cocaine played any role in the incident. Says that he actually didn’t lace a line of Lady Caine with his father’s ashes; it was simply a pure bump of Dad. Heart warming perhaps, but I find that qualification odd coming from a man that’s done more shit than I, and everyone I know now or shall become acquainted with future, will ever see, including on film and television, COMBINED.

But hey, it’s Keef effin’ Richards, man. Who am I to question him? The guy’s a medical marvel, and probably should be under constant scientific observation or something. If nothing else, let’s just hope he’s a donor…