Yoooooouuuur 2008 Super Hero All-Stars
Jul 17th, 2008 by Brinson
With all the likely — and well deserved — hype surrounding the new Batman flick, combined with the collective All Star Game (whose live blog actually gave us this idea) hangover, the brahs somehow managed to knock collective domepieces together and come up with a list of what our superhero All-Star team would be.
After the jump, the ridiculous lineup we’ve constructed. Your complaints and coaching moves in the comments.
1. Flash (SS) — We don’t need to explain why Flash is at the top of the lineup do we? A ridiculous combination of OBP and stolen bases, the only thing keeping him from being the perfect leadoff man is that he doesn’t speak in the third person.
2. Spiderman (CF) — You think Torii Hunter can climb walls? Please. Spidey sense tells him how to line up the defense and his webbing and speed turns him into some freakish combination of Willie Mays and Junior. Plus, it just seems like he could slap singles all day long.
3. Superman (LF) — X-Ray vision and faster than a speeding bullet probably don’t “hurt” anyone in the batter’s box. Flying isn’t a bad superpower to rock out in the field either.
4. The Thing (DH) — An incredibly strong dude made of literal rock isn’t much good for anything besides cleaning up. Like Papi, but with less fat and more taterjacks.
5. Batman (3B) — The only man on the planet with more tools than David Wright.
6. Wolverine (C) — Just in case you thought you got through the heart of the order, Wolvie is here to gnash at six. Literally a meast. And obviously not someone you want to try and bowl over at home plate. Shink-shink, son.
7. Punisher (RF) — He doesn’t really have any “super” powers, per se. But go ahead, try and tag up from second to third and see if he doesn’t gun your ass down. Go ahead. No, really. Guns.
8. Mr. Fantastic (1B) — If it seems like he might be a better fit elsewhere in the field, just remember that he has a decent reach and range on throws over to first. Also see: collapsible strike zones.
9. Captain America (2B) — Kind of like the Mark Lemke of super heroes, he’s not particularly great at anything. But he works his ass off. And he’s American. Plus, he can’t possibly be worse than Dan Uggla.
SP: Human Torch — What can we say? The guy’s got a gascan attached to his right arm. (Would you prefer “he throws fire?”)
CL: The Hulk — You could argue that you want the Hulk to bat. But what happens when this loser steps up to the plate? Plus, just wait until the top of the ninth and put matches in between his toes or tell him Torch f’d his sister and all of a sudden your closer makes Papelbon look like Ghandi.
We’ll probably let Professor X coach (I guess…) but he’s such a damn do-gooder. On the other hand, Clint Hurdle did do a pretty stellar job on Tuesday night, so we’ll probably just wait until the JLA decides to accept “stupidity” as super power and then ink him to a multi-year deal. Providing he doesn’t drag Aaron Cook along.
Other Superhero-related stuff you’d probably back:
6 least likely villains for the next Batman flick - Blog of Hilarity
Dark Knight trailer, sort of - On 205th
Superheroes you can’t take seriously - NextRound
Best Superhero girlfriends - The Angry T
And, just for fun, some hot Superhero ass for you.
My only qualm would have been Punisher, then I read the reason why…the man has serious guns. Couldn’t have done any better, Bravo fellas.
Maybe it was b/c I was getting brown and didn’t notice, but what did Hurdle do that was so bad? The only thing I can think of was warming up Lidge for like 6 innings straight. Other than that I thought he did a fine job under the circumstances.
Again, could have missed something.
I think Batman would actually make a better coach. The guy is seriously crafty, and he’s best when he’s doing the thinking. Of course, now that you’ve created the Superhero All-Stars, you have to do the supervillians next.
It’s nice to see something else actually came of that epic liveblog (which lasted twice the running time of Dark Knight, I might add).
I agree, what did Hurdle do that was so wrong? And furthermore, what did Aaron Cook do? He was cruising through the eighth inning until Hurdle paniced, costing them the game, and forced Wagner in to face a batter. Wagner immediately chokes, they tie up the game, bam, extra innings.
The only things I would change.
1. Have Sups pitch. Who could hit a 400mph fast ball?
2. Have the Thing catch. When your on the recieving end of said 400mph fast ball it’s a good thing your made out of stone.
I think Cap’ should be catching. He’s the greatest soldier who has ever lived. Wouldn’t you want him as your Field General?
And your manager: Nick Fury.
So…… you are telling me that Blankman does not count?
Damon Wayans would not be happy.
Am I the only person alive that liked Image books at all? I nominate the New Men as ball boys and Maxx would be clutch off the bench. Spawn seems like a solid reliever to me.
where is the super-villain all star team?
And just to go all fanboy on you, all Wolvie fans know it is “Snikt-snikt”….
Shit. It is snikt-snikt. Dammit.
Bucco- I collected plenty of Image and Valiant comics during my youth. however, the difference in the # of people that reconoize Mr. Fantastic and those who recognize The Maxx or Turok the Dinosuar Hunter is significant.