Dateline: New Haven, CT. A group of little league parents has asked that a team in their league be removed because they have a kid “whose pitching they say is so hard, fast and accurate that it might frighten or discourage other players.” Kid’s name is Jericho Scott (shockingly, Brinson already has already claimed him off waivers in the Brahsome fantasy league despite his being 8 years old) and while he may be destined for stardom, it’s obvious the other kids in this league are not. These parents should probably feel good about themselves, leveling the playing field for their untalented (and likely unattractive) children. God knows there’s nothing worse than learning at age 8 that you won’t always be good at everything.
Remember back when we were kids? And when you played a game, some people won and some lost? The fat kids got hit with the dodge ball? The skinny white kid with the thick frames got picked last in pickup? The smelly kid was left alone by the bench while we all played tag? This is simple Darwinism, people. If you’re kid’s a friggin unathletic loser, buy him a Wii and lock him in the basement. If you’re embarrassed because he’s the local strikeout king, give him a damn soccer ball, or better yet, a calculator and a reading light. Quit punishing some kids for being better than your kid- face it: your genes aren’t that good so your kid isn’t going to be the next Hanley Ramirez or Brandon Webb. If you teach him now that Mommy will save him any time there’s someone better than him, Mommy better have some connections. 
And once your little smug-ass spawn finds his way to Morningwood Academy, or whatever other New England private school you backdoor him into, he’ll surely be abusing choch by the time he’s 14 and might rape some minority just because he thinks he’s above the law. Then he’ll end up going through the Wharton school and end up with some junior analyst job at Goldman Sachs making 90 large living in the city and doing weekends in Bridge Hampton so he and his prep school buddies can catch Booga Suga out at the Talkhouse on Saturday night and snort crystal meth off some socialite’s fupa in the men’s room before passing out at 9am on Jones Beach listening to the Strokes on someone’s iHome. Where were we going with this? Who the fuck knows, but your kid is a fucking loser, so let him find out now, while there’s still a chance to save him from being a total prick.
Random Rant: Your Kid Is A Loser
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent rant. CT has some shitty parents! that is some BULLSHIT!
When I first read the article this morning about it, I was thinking the same thing while reading it. If I was the parent on the opposing team, I’d be glad my son gets to play this kid if only to make him better. You can’t get better by playing mediocre people. You’re also telling this kid that he isn’t allowed to be good at things in life. What a joke!
This story was on every major media outlet this morning. Fox News, Today, Mike and Mike…just to name a few. If your kid sucks. He fucking sucks. Get his unathletic excuse for an adolescent out of the god damned batters box. Who the fuck are these people to tell this kid that he is too good to play. It was suggested by Mike and Mike that the poor waste-of-talent (to this point at least) should play up a league. What if he starts whipping their ass? Next thing you know, he’ll be playing ball with the local high schoolers getting belted out of the park by every drivers lisence wielding dipshit that couldn’t play at the high school level with his “40 mph” floater. What a fucking crock of shit.