The Anti-Duke Manifesto

There are a lot of anti-Duke sentiments floating around Brahsome country. Admittedly, some result from Duke’s national prominence in the college basketball world. Some, however, are earned. There are a lot of Duke stereotypes out there: Ugly chicks and cheerleaders, nerdy students and lots of Asians. The immortal Julius Hodge once responded to a question about Cameron Crazies getting to him with this gem, “There’s no way I could let a guy with a 4.5 GPA, acne and bad breath decide the way I’m going to play on the court. Everywhere I go I get that, so that didn’t make a difference.” How I miss that guy.

After last night’s game, many Wake Forest fans are feeling the sting of the Dukies. Check out the post below and tell me if you can blame them. A Wake alum, and friend of The Sorostitute, put pen to paper to express what most of the ACC has been thinking for years. Any friend of The Sorostitute is a friend of Brahsome. Take the jump for his manifesto. 

While this manifesto is a solid outpouring of all things Dook, I am forced to call a spade a spade when I see it.  Having spent three years on Wake’s campus, there are a ton of Yankees, especially Jerseyites, so let’s be careful who we make fun of.  Not to mention, Wake sports its fair share of dorks; see tie-dyed student body at basketball games with said student body rocking the same cheer sheets that are being mocked in Durham.  And while I admittedly had fun at several sorat functions, beer pong does not equal a cool Greek scene.  Not all is lost, though, as Wake at least has hot girls.  I know from experience.

Dear Dook Students,

On this night of sadness, a night of loss and outstanding ACC officiating performances, I wanted to write a quick note to thank you for everything you have brought into my life. From a young child, I have felt a sense of nausea when I see your God-forsaken institution. I’d like to let you know why. Without further adieu, thank you for:

UGLINESS: For years, when women throughout this great nation of ours (and east Asian nations that will be named later) have struggled to find an institution of higher learning where they will fit in, you have always flung your doors wide open… really wide. Young women who have been told their whole lives that their brains could make up for their meth-addict faces are able to find best friends within your walls. From the rest of North Carolina, thank you for taking our ugly girls.

CARGO SHORTS: While the rest of this state learned that Abercrombie’s mindless push to give us 12″ inseams and five extra pockets was a poor man’s attempt to make us look like, well… poor men, you have not given up on that ill-fated clothier. You, Dook students, have insisted on rocking frayed, stringy, pocket-ridden articles of clothing that remind the rest of us exactly what part of Durham you belong in. Next time I need someone to carry all those extra items that won’t fit in my pocket, I’m calling you, baby.

NEW JERSEY: You know, since the passing of the Late Unpleasentess (also known as the War of Northern Aggression), we here in God’s country have never felt a particular liking for those poor souls living above the Mason-Dixon. Our ire has been directed towards a number of states throughout the years. But for those of us blessed to be born as Southerners, there is no state as vile and dirty as that of Jersey. From the Jersey Shore to Jersey City, there is no place in America with a comparable ability to bring together such an abhorrent amount of trash. Jägerbombs and hair gel. Graphic T’s and men with pierced ears. And nowhere in the South is as appealing to these abominations of humanity as the campus of good ol Dook. I raise my glass to you, the University of New Jersey at Durham.

ASIA: There is nothing more to say.

BASKETBALL: Who am I to desecrate Cameron Indoor? A legend of basketball. However, there is so much wrong with what happens inside. JJ Redick’s back-ne and Sheldon William’s crack baby features. Kyle Singler’s receding hairline and Greg Paulus’s bench-riding skills. Coached by a man with the face of a rodent and the heart of a Nazi, this Caucasian sensation of a basketball team has flopped their way to national championships for years. And once they reach the NBA, what do they do? Flop. I’m talking to you, JJ. Oh… and Cameron Crazies… the cheer sheets are cool. So is the way you make me feel when I see you on TV. I’ve never felt more good looking.

FOOTBALL: Haha.

GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE: When visiting your campus to watch the Deacs beat you in football yet again, I never fail to take note of the striking architecture. Looming and dark, there is nothing that boosts your mood like a campus resembling a plague-stricken European whore-house. I know that if I was going to be surrounded by the ugliest group of people in the Southeast, there is nowhere I would rather be than smack-dab in the middle of gargoyles. At least they are more attractive than the student body.

GDI’S: Dook students, I want to congratulate you on this. Like no other, you have given new meaning to the idea of what it is to be a GDI. As one who had no Greek affiliation in undergrad, I felt for the longest time as though I was unable to refer to anyone in my life as a Geed. And then, lo and behold, I visited Dook for the first time. Your tailgates were heinous. Costumes and beer-throwing. Your women are hideous. Your men can’t dress. Your fraternities are riddled with K-Swiss sneakers and Tommy Hilfiger. And whatever passes for a sorority at Dook would be lucky to get chartered as a Weight Watcher’s chapter anywhere else in the rest of the country. Thank you for showing me what a Geed truly is.

Oh Dook students. Bless your hearts. You try. You really do. Don’t think it goes unnoticed. It just goes unappreciated. From the other reputable schools in the great State of North Carolina and beyond, we despise you. You represent everything we judge and revile. You have tainted our way of life with the stench of the Blue Devil. You hope that your Dook sticker plastered across the back of your underwhelming vehicle will impress us. It makes us laugh. We pity you. Everything you are is a sad truth. So for that, thank you. For the confidence and humor you have brought into our lives, thank you. For the way that your vulgar existence justifies the way we live our lives, thank you.

Without you, we are simply the best. With you, we are unstoppable.

Tagged as: anti-duke manifesto, Duke, Wake