I wish I had enough time to really read this (although I plan on finding it as soon as possible), much less actually write it. I don’t. But someone does (and that someone is screenwriter Adam Bertocci) and it is fucking awesome: “Two Gentlemen From Lebowski”, or, as you might know it, The Big Lebowski as written by William Shakespeare.
It’s blowing up all over the internet because without this work being instituted into cultural learning, we would never know what the Big Lebowski (a clear favorite of ours, as noted by the header, no?) would sound like if it were written by William Shakespeare. Now we do. Lest you’re wondering whether you should take the rest of the afternoon off and read it, here’s a sampling of “The Chorus,” a.k.a. Sam Elliott:
In wayfarer’s worlds out west was once a man,
A man I come not to bury, but to praise.
His name was Geoffrey Lebowski called, yet
Not called, excepting by his kin.
That which we call a knave by any other name
Might bowl just as sweet. Lebowski, then,
Did call himself ‘the Knave’, a name that I,
Your humble chorus, would not self-apply
In homelands mine; but, then, this Knave was one
It proceeds to get more awesome for what will amount to the rest of your day. And the one question you will ask (after screaming ‘VERILY!’) is, “how f’ing long did that take?” Well, we reached out to Adam and he told us that he banged the first draft out in one weekend (!) and then took 2-3 more weeks to get it ready for the final version. Then, about 24 hours later, his inbox and website blew the F up. With good goddamn reason too: the Dude abides.