As I mentioned last week, Sheriff Bufurd T. Justice is one of my favorite movie characters of all time. So to honor the good sheriff, I will be posting a clip of his work every Tuesday until I run out of scenes…or until I forget…or until I get tired of it…which ever comes first.

This week’s installment of ‘How To’ with Bufurd T. Justice shows us how to deal with evidence at a crime scene and how to suggest your son might not be yours. Enjoy.

There’s no way, no way, that you could come from my loins. Soon as I get home, the first thing I’m gonna do is punch yo’ momma in da mouth.

Smokey and the Bandit is truly one of the best movies to come out of the 1970’s. . .or any decade for that matter. Burt and Sally get most of the love because they’re the bigger stars (and because Sally’s tight pants accentuate her acting skills*), but Jackie Gleason is the true MVP. His delivery and his timing are brilliant and the character he created is one of the finest law men in all of American cinema (our blahg is no stranger to hyperbole).

Today begins a new weekly feature in honor of Sheriff Justice, where we will be giving you small nuggets of his wisdom free of charge. The term “weekly feature” is used loosely around this blahg, so there’s certainly a chance that this is the first and last installment, but I’ll do my best to bring the magic every Tuesday.

Obviously this can only go so long, as the film is only about an hour and a half long and, unfortunately, Sheriff Justice is not in every scene, but we’ll ride it out as long as we can.

We begin with one of my most quoted lines. Over the last 28 years I’ve probably ordered a “diablo sammich and a doctah peppah” about 16,327 times. I always laugh. The waitress never does.

*acting skills